Moving on...

It's been 1 year since "the move" from southern CA to Washington. 1 year since I quit full-time ministry to have more time with my little ones. 1 year since one of the biggest events of my life, my Ordination-Commissioning. It's strange to look back, but I couldn't be happier and I know this is what God has for me. When I was in CA, I didn't realize how I was barely hanging on, close to tears often with the stress of how to accomplish all that needed to be done. Now I approach each day knowing I can do it at my own pace and enjoy it along the way. I have fallen in love with the PNW, especially the heaven-like summers! My boys lived in our big back yard (another gain of the NW) all summer long. I'm mourning the loss of that as the rainy weather sets in, but it's nice to know I have that to look forward to each year.

When leaving CA, packing up my house was a relief. The hard part was packing my office, not knowing when I would have another one to call my own. 3 years ago, when visiting family here in the NW I visited a church that had beautiful offices. I remember thinking "wow, this would be nice." and that's as far as my thoughts went, thinking I would never consider moving to this area. Now, not only did we move here and not only do I love it, I have an (albeit small, but it's mine!) office at that exact church we visited. God works in amazing ways.

I am fulfilled in my career, fulfilled in my home life, and at peace knowing that God led me here and is continually leading in my life. Sometimes I stress about the future, what's going to happen when I want to go back to full time ministry, will there be a place for me in this community that I'm growing to love more and more, but then I kick my self in the behind realizing how incredibly God worked to bring us to this point, working so many small details in to know this is the place for us, and I just have to trust that my future is also in God's hands.

The faith not to defend...

In Matthew 9 there is the story of Jesus healing a paralyzed man. Before Jesus heals the man, He forgives his sins. The religious leaders hear this and accuse Jesus of blasphemy -claiming to have the power of God. Jesus doesn't argue with this, merely says "Which is easier, to say your sins or forgiven or to heal?", then he heals the man as well. The man and crowds who witnessed this event walk away "Glorifying God that He gave such power to humans." And the story ends there.

Here is what I find amazing. Jesus was just accused of claiming to have the power of God, to be God, yet the people don't see this. They are amazed God gave this power to a human. And Jesus doesn't correct them. He doesn't run after them yelling "By the way, I'm God, too, not just human!" I think the reason He doesn't correct the people is two-fold (or more, I just see 2 right now).

1. The main purpose of Christ coming to earth was to show the world the love of God. In forgiving a crippled man, then healing him, God's love was on display for all. And all who saw it glorified God. Therefor, Christ was happy. His mission for the day was accomplished, God was seen as worthy of love and glory, as a loving God who cares for all, even the marginalized and helpless.

2. Jesus was so secure in His standing with God that what people thought of Him, as long as they knew who God was, didn't phase him.

Both of those are such a lesson for me. To be mostly concerned that people see a loving God through me, but not feel the need to make myself look good? That is not something I'm good at. I feel the need to explain to the check-out lady if the combination of items I'm buying looks strange. If I have to cut someone off in traffic because I almost missed my exit, I'd love to pull the person I cut off over and explain that my GPS didn't give me enough warning so they don't think I'm a bad driver. It is incredible to me to think of not correcting someone's thoughts of me and only be concerned with what they think of God because of me.

God, give me that strength today.

Sleepy Thanksgiving Thoughts

My sister-in-law, Jessica (aka Martha Stewart) made adorable leaf sugar cookies in cellophane baggies to go at each place setting for Thanksgiving (should I mention she’s hosting over 25 people?). Attached to each bag is the simple text “In Everything, Give Thanks” (1 Thessalonians 5:18). Lying in bed this morning, enjoying a rare chance to sleep in while my mom watched the boys, I got to thinking about that text.

“In Everything Give Thanks.”

In. Not after, not once I look back, not once things are all hunky dory, but In. In the midst of everything. Waiting for my house to close, not sure what’s happening with my job, In the midst of this, give thanks. Don’t wait. Do it In.

Everything. Really God, Everything? When I’m exhausted and my baby is in a mommy phase and no one else can take him so I can’t go anywhere alone – everything? What about Adam’s coworker’s son who isn’t even 3 and had major spinal surgery? What about that my brother and sister-in-law’s cat got killed yesterday, the day before Thanksgiving? That’s where the first word comes back into play. We don’t give thanks “For Everything”, we give thanks “In Everything.” Everything.

Give. Giving thanks isn’t about me. It’s about God, it’s about others. It’s a completely selfless act. I don’t keep anything for myself. When I give thanks I recognize that I don’t deserve what I have, I just appreciate. I Give.

Thanks. Total appreciation. A simple word that just says I am unworthy, but God has given me all I need. I can do nothing to deserve what God has given in God’s Grace. And all I can say is Thanks.

In Everything, Give Thanks.

change

I haven't blogged in a while. Truthfully, I haven't felt like it. Our life has changed and changed and changed again, yet as a stay-at-home mom now, I feel that I live day by day with no depth. I'm happy, but I don't feel very deeply right now. It's hard to blog with no feeling.

My lack of feeling applies to my spiritual life. No depth. I know to have more depth I need to spend time in spiritual things. Hard to do. I thought I had a great solution. Join a local (awesome) gym with cheap daycare and listen to spiritual podcasts (I love me some Rob Bell sermons!). The second time I tried this, Finn was screaming within the first 5 minutes. I'm currently trying to cancel my membership. I read psalms on my iphone while I rock Finn to sleep. That's nice, but without time, discussion, or journaling it stay very surface-y.

Today I was listening to Christian music on the radio. The song said "You always hold on." My 3 year old (or will be 3 on Friday!) asked me what it was about. I said it was about Jesus staying close to us. He said "It says he hold's on. Why?" I said Jesus loves us so much that he always holds on to us and never lets go. I thought about that for me. No matter how unfeeling I am about my spiritual life right now, Jesus holds on. I'm not sure how I "feel" about that, but it's true and today I'm trying to focus on that truth.

Satisfaction Guaranteed?

"Drink water from your own cistern, and running water from your own well." Proverbs 5:15
I read this text this morning and I really took it to heart. First, I thought it was about sharing. My two boys are struggling with this concept. Then I read it again and realized it's much more poignant for me than for them. It's not about sharing, it's about being satisfied with what you have.

I am in the process of buying a house. I love the house, but buying means we're going to be strapped for cash until I get a part-time job. I'm already thinking of all the things I wish I could get for the house. Then I just want to smack myself. This is a beautiful house with a wonderful yard and even a jacuzzi! A house and yard like the one we're buying is the reason we moved to washington. Be satisfied!

Then, as I was rocking my baby for his nap, I was wishing for more. More sleep, more time to myself, more time to get things done. That's when I thought of this verse again. I don't need to just be satisfied with my material goods, I need to be satisfied with my life. Be satisfied.

I have an amazing life and amazing kids. God, help me be satisfied. 

Sabbath

It's finally Sabbath. I'm not sure what that means for a stay-at-home mom. How is it different? It still feels different, and I'm not trying to get things done, so I guess that's good. I'm pretty worn out and tomorrow isn't looking all that "restful". My husband is still away, so on I go as a single parent.

It has been hard to be a SAH mom. Especially on Sabbath. Last week I barely made it through church without crying, and the only thing that kept me from crying was texting people from my old church. I need a church family. I need a place to come where I care about the people and they care about me. I'm not sure when this will happen.

This week has also been discouraging on the housing side of things. It's looking less likely that we'll qualify for a loan right now, which means renting indefinitely. Yuck. I am fully aware that we have it better than 90% of the world, that my boys will be happy wherever, and that renting isn't the end of the world, but we came here to give our boys a better home and now I don't know how or when that will happen.

I sound down, and so I should add that I'm generally happy here overall in our new homeland of Washington. I like the lack of stress. I can care for my boys and not feel like I should always be doing something else. I love that it's beautiful and green here, and that I get to have a real autumn, my favorite season! I like having weekends as a family without having a billion other obligations.

I am trying to trust God to work this out, the new church home, the new live-in home, etc. I just don't really know what to "trust". Because my theology says that I just have to trust in God to help me find peace no matter the circumstance, but that's not what I'm looking for right now! I also know I need more time with God if I'm going to have that peace, and I certainly haven't been fulfilling my end of that!

So, on to having a non-working (?) Sabbath. I think I'll go to bed and read a little about God.

Identity Crisis

We’re moving to Washington. My husband, who has so far followed my career, has a new job there and it’s my turn to follow him. I truly feel that every career is a calling from God, and this is where God is calling him. I’m excited, but I’m nervous.

I am a pastor. I have always been a minister. I mean always. High school, Jr. High. Always. It’s who I am. Making this move means that I won’t be paid to be a minister – at least not for a while. Pastor Jana is becoming a stay-at-home mom. I’m not sure how I feel about this.

I have great respect, even awe, for stay-at-home moms. I think dedicating every moment of your day to your kids is the most difficult job in the world. I’ve never been sure it’s for me. Yet here I am.

My mom got me a refrigerator magnet that says “All Moms Work.” When I have told people I’m leaving, I have received nothing but encouragement and support. People, men and women, understand that children grow up way to fast and most wish they’d had more time with their own kids. I am blessed to have this opportunity. I’m excited, too. I have been very stressed trying to work full time while being a full-time mom. But I’ve done it. And now I won’t be. I’ll be a mom.

My identity should be in Christ., regardless of my title. I’ve been preaching lately about doing individual ministry and taking time to form relationships with non-Christians. And maybe this is my chance. But still, I’ll be a stay-at-home mom. When someone asks what I do, the answer is “I’m a mom”. When I go to church, I’ll be just another church member. When I wake up in the morning, all I’ll have to do is take care of my kids and house. A mom.. And I start this new job in just 3 weeks.